Yesterday=nightmare

Zack not being in school has totally screwed up his routine. Hes a mess. Yesterday was aweful. ThankGod we see Dr.N today, I had to give him a half dose (.5mg) of his risperdol durning the day, for 30 min he smashed his new toys, threw things and attacked me, thankgod the other 2 actually listened and went into A's room to hide, I fought him to take the med, (he usually takes his meds no prob) He spit them at me twice and only took them because I told him I was calling the Hospital, and I almost did, I didnt know what else to do, at that it registered he was out of control and finally he took the meds, I had to make ahen an executive decision, as he has no prns, but clearly he needed something, so I gave it to him within 20 min he had calmed down and apoligized, it was insane, all because he wanted to go sliegh riding right then and I told him after the little one napped, clearly it wasnt just about going outside, but thats what set him off, I really dont know what to do or what is the next step, I really dont want him on more meds but 1mg of risperdol and .5 of celexa is helping, they say he only meets some of the criteria for bipolar a she functions well in school, but home hes a nightmare, he dosent sit still in school, but he doesnt get up he just constanly figets at his desk 78% more then 2 random children in the class, there has got to be something all these doctors are missing, I paid 2000 dollars for a private evaluation and all she came up was a severe mood disorder, coupled with tons of anxiety, this more then anxiety, I have that and I dont rage out, or scream I want to die, hes 6 for goodness sake, if this isnt stablized when he hits 12 Im going to be in total hell, although I cant imagine it being much worse...

deep sigh..

I feel so so alone

Zacks mom

I have to tell him to take a shower, and hes playing hes probably going to flip out ...another deep sigh

somethings not working

Things have come crumbling down since my last post...increased rage and anxiety, 4 am wake up calls, his seperation anxiety is worse again...He doesnt have ADHD, (got the evaluation) his IQ is very high, mood disorder NOS, and I am devastated, I thought this medication combination was going to carry us through this...and now finally he is starting to grieve, perhaps thats why he is reverting backwards, Im devasted, Im sure he needs to go through this process, but why oh why does it have to be so hard on him, he actually cried last night about his dad...more like my dad didnt love me, I ofcourse reaasured him, but it kills me because Mike didnt treat Zack well, Zack was my protector, and Mike didnt take kindly to that..."satans spawn" was what he called him. I m so full of hopelessness, I dont know how to help my dear boy, he hurts so much, hes six, and hes missing more of his childhood everyday, I just want to see him smile again, we are both so broken.

Zacks Mom

Trust him, He knows whats best.

My darling boy, he is such a trooper, he passed out in school today while practicing for the christmas musical, I off course wanted to take him to the ER, but the school said he was fine, it was only a second, but he did manage to fall off the he riser and get a nice lump on the back of his head, The school nurse took his vitals every hour and he seems fine, he says he is fine, So I will trust him, he is playing with our neighbor right now, you know another boy, and they arent fighting and hes not crying or melting down, hes doing better.

M's parents wanted to take the kids for my step sons birthday, they did not invite me and it pissed all my kids off, but especially Zack, at first they all refused to go because I was not welcome, but I managed to convince the other 2 to go for sean (thier half brother) sake, but Zack was firm, Im not going they arent nice to you, and I m not going, well I was not about trying to convince him to keep the peace, he knows himself, it would have been a bad scene, instead hes here, I took him to get some dinner and hes playing nicely with the nieghbor boy, and frankly Im glad hes here, they dont know how to handle him, they dont even know hes taking medicine or that his problems are "real"...behavior they said hes just defiant.

well the pdoc and T dont agree, mood disorder and adhd, hes taking celexa 5 mg and risperdol .5mg every night, we will according to pdoc ( Dr.N) more then likely need to add in an ADHD med but first getting him to sleep, and not have major rages was priority, hes calming down, baby steps, and yes my boy does sleep now a good solid 8 hrs a night still really not enough for a 6 yr old but compared to the 4 he was getting, this is like a miriacle, hes so bright and aware he even tells me, I think I feel out of control, and he readily takes the risperdol, its a wonder drug!

Anyway my son, hes coming back, he held my hand as we walked in to get him dinner, my heart fluttered, my son is coming back and it feels so good, he knows what he needs, he has trouble getting his point across because he is so full of emotion, but when he does its wonderful to watch, I trust my son, he knows whats best for him, I m going to guide him, but I will let him lead the way...I just want to go smooch on him right now...

but his friend is here and that would be embarrassing:0 but his friend is here....do have any idea how huge that is, Im not even scared that he will do anything, hes on his way, I can feel it!

Love, Zacks mom