Clinical Trauma

Monday I had clinical (where you work in a facility gaining experiance) I didnt see it comeing, I mean I did, but I didnt. I had to watch trach care on a young man he was 32. Its not easy watching nor doing Trach care on someone, you literally take there breath away while you are suctioning thier throat through the hole in thier neck they cant breath, first they cough then they are left trying to get air for about 15 seconds while you suction the mucus out of thier trachea. Im not a wimp, maybe a little scared and allot nervous, but I know its just first time jitters, but this patient really hit a nerve. Like I said he was 32, he had been non responsive, living in a contractered state (where his muscles are all tight and he cant relax) for 14 years. He has a G tube, and oxygen and can doing nothing but roll his eyes looking at nothing, its a blank uncontrollable movement of his eyes. He is for all intensive purposes a vegatable, he is kept that way by his mother, who visits everyday and still believes their is hope, yes its hard to see anyone that way but he was particularly hard. 14 years ago David hung himself and it didnt work, he was found and they brought him back to "life" if you can call it that. It hit home and hit hard. Most of you all know Mike humg himself. All I could and am still thinking about is if this poor tortured soul was so depressed and unwell that he attempted suicide there is no way he would want to be kept alive by these measures, if he could he would probably scream "help me please, end this" but he cant, he can do knowing, maybe hes unaware of the state hes in, but maybe he is, maybe that poor soul is just praying that someone decieds to end this torture because hes at thier mercy. I broke down. No one ever thinks of what could happen if your action to commit suicide doesnt work, what happens after that, when you are left alive, but damaged, by the extreme way David is or by something else that may not be as severe maybe you can still walk but your brain is fuctioning at a much lower level, maybe it leaves you disabled, no one ever talks about it, everyone says you have something to live for dont do it, but maybe just maybe if you told people it doesnt always work, sometimes you will be left on this in a body and mind you dont know and will be forever tortured and miserable. I dont know what to say, Im distressed from what I saw and what it means and distressed by this poor soul is been left with, a shell of a body and no mind, Please Please talk about this, please tell people please tell what can happen, its devastating whether you die and even if you live.

Tara