Zack not being in school has totally screwed up his routine. Hes a mess. Yesterday was aweful. ThankGod we see Dr.N today, I had to give him a half dose (.5mg) of his risperdol durning the day, for 30 min he smashed his new toys, threw things and attacked me, thankgod the other 2 actually listened and went into A's room to hide, I fought him to take the med, (he usually takes his meds no prob) He spit them at me twice and only took them because I told him I was calling the Hospital, and I almost did, I didnt know what else to do, at that it registered he was out of control and finally he took the meds, I had to make ahen an executive decision, as he has no prns, but clearly he needed something, so I gave it to him within 20 min he had calmed down and apoligized, it was insane, all because he wanted to go sliegh riding right then and I told him after the little one napped, clearly it wasnt just about going outside, but thats what set him off, I really dont know what to do or what is the next step, I really dont want him on more meds but 1mg of risperdol and .5 of celexa is helping, they say he only meets some of the criteria for bipolar a she functions well in school, but home hes a nightmare, he dosent sit still in school, but he doesnt get up he just constanly figets at his desk 78% more then 2 random children in the class, there has got to be something all these doctors are missing, I paid 2000 dollars for a private evaluation and all she came up was a severe mood disorder, coupled with tons of anxiety, this more then anxiety, I have that and I dont rage out, or scream I want to die, hes 6 for goodness sake, if this isnt stablized when he hits 12 Im going to be in total hell, although I cant imagine it being much worse...
deep sigh..
I feel so so alone
Zacks mom
I have to tell him to take a shower, and hes playing hes probably going to flip out ...another deep sigh
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
somethings not working
Things have come crumbling down since my last post...increased rage and anxiety, 4 am wake up calls, his seperation anxiety is worse again...He doesnt have ADHD, (got the evaluation) his IQ is very high, mood disorder NOS, and I am devastated, I thought this medication combination was going to carry us through this...and now finally he is starting to grieve, perhaps thats why he is reverting backwards, Im devasted, Im sure he needs to go through this process, but why oh why does it have to be so hard on him, he actually cried last night about his dad...more like my dad didnt love me, I ofcourse reaasured him, but it kills me because Mike didnt treat Zack well, Zack was my protector, and Mike didnt take kindly to that..."satans spawn" was what he called him. I m so full of hopelessness, I dont know how to help my dear boy, he hurts so much, hes six, and hes missing more of his childhood everyday, I just want to see him smile again, we are both so broken.
Zacks Mom
Zacks Mom
Monday, December 6, 2010
Trust him, He knows whats best.
My darling boy, he is such a trooper, he passed out in school today while practicing for the christmas musical, I off course wanted to take him to the ER, but the school said he was fine, it was only a second, but he did manage to fall off the he riser and get a nice lump on the back of his head, The school nurse took his vitals every hour and he seems fine, he says he is fine, So I will trust him, he is playing with our neighbor right now, you know another boy, and they arent fighting and hes not crying or melting down, hes doing better.
M's parents wanted to take the kids for my step sons birthday, they did not invite me and it pissed all my kids off, but especially Zack, at first they all refused to go because I was not welcome, but I managed to convince the other 2 to go for sean (thier half brother) sake, but Zack was firm, Im not going they arent nice to you, and I m not going, well I was not about trying to convince him to keep the peace, he knows himself, it would have been a bad scene, instead hes here, I took him to get some dinner and hes playing nicely with the nieghbor boy, and frankly Im glad hes here, they dont know how to handle him, they dont even know hes taking medicine or that his problems are "real"...behavior they said hes just defiant.
well the pdoc and T dont agree, mood disorder and adhd, hes taking celexa 5 mg and risperdol .5mg every night, we will according to pdoc ( Dr.N) more then likely need to add in an ADHD med but first getting him to sleep, and not have major rages was priority, hes calming down, baby steps, and yes my boy does sleep now a good solid 8 hrs a night still really not enough for a 6 yr old but compared to the 4 he was getting, this is like a miriacle, hes so bright and aware he even tells me, I think I feel out of control, and he readily takes the risperdol, its a wonder drug!
Anyway my son, hes coming back, he held my hand as we walked in to get him dinner, my heart fluttered, my son is coming back and it feels so good, he knows what he needs, he has trouble getting his point across because he is so full of emotion, but when he does its wonderful to watch, I trust my son, he knows whats best for him, I m going to guide him, but I will let him lead the way...I just want to go smooch on him right now...
but his friend is here and that would be embarrassing:0 but his friend is here....do have any idea how huge that is, Im not even scared that he will do anything, hes on his way, I can feel it!
Love, Zacks mom
M's parents wanted to take the kids for my step sons birthday, they did not invite me and it pissed all my kids off, but especially Zack, at first they all refused to go because I was not welcome, but I managed to convince the other 2 to go for sean (thier half brother) sake, but Zack was firm, Im not going they arent nice to you, and I m not going, well I was not about trying to convince him to keep the peace, he knows himself, it would have been a bad scene, instead hes here, I took him to get some dinner and hes playing nicely with the nieghbor boy, and frankly Im glad hes here, they dont know how to handle him, they dont even know hes taking medicine or that his problems are "real"...behavior they said hes just defiant.
well the pdoc and T dont agree, mood disorder and adhd, hes taking celexa 5 mg and risperdol .5mg every night, we will according to pdoc ( Dr.N) more then likely need to add in an ADHD med but first getting him to sleep, and not have major rages was priority, hes calming down, baby steps, and yes my boy does sleep now a good solid 8 hrs a night still really not enough for a 6 yr old but compared to the 4 he was getting, this is like a miriacle, hes so bright and aware he even tells me, I think I feel out of control, and he readily takes the risperdol, its a wonder drug!
Anyway my son, hes coming back, he held my hand as we walked in to get him dinner, my heart fluttered, my son is coming back and it feels so good, he knows what he needs, he has trouble getting his point across because he is so full of emotion, but when he does its wonderful to watch, I trust my son, he knows whats best for him, I m going to guide him, but I will let him lead the way...I just want to go smooch on him right now...
but his friend is here and that would be embarrassing:0 but his friend is here....do have any idea how huge that is, Im not even scared that he will do anything, hes on his way, I can feel it!
Love, Zacks mom
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Evaluation
Im so nervous
Im not sure how he will react to meeting a new therapist ( its for 8 sessions)
The evaluation for "what" he is to be diagnosed with and the possability of what medication he can/will take.
His current therapist believes he is suffering from
Reactive attachment disorder (some form of PTSD)
a "mood" disorder...as its categorized but she believes its bipolar in a 6 yr old
a severe an anxiety disorder
and last but not least severe seperation anxiety disorder
So many lables for such a small child...
Just make it simple please, please help him and give me back my baby.
So bad on Tuesday I thought about calling child phyc. Hospital, I feared for his safety, and ours, and yeah my car was taking a beating, he raged for so long, he either fell asleep for ten minutes or passed out, either way we are all on hyper alert all the time.
Its my job to save my son.
But I need help in saving my Zack.
I hope this start of the evaluation process goes well and is productive, I worry he is so smart he will be able to fool her, but over 2 months he wont be able to pull it off, he hasnt been able to with Dr.B so I should just give it to god, pray and hope this is the beginning of Saving Zack.
Love, Zacks mom
Im not sure how he will react to meeting a new therapist ( its for 8 sessions)
The evaluation for "what" he is to be diagnosed with and the possability of what medication he can/will take.
His current therapist believes he is suffering from
Reactive attachment disorder (some form of PTSD)
a "mood" disorder...as its categorized but she believes its bipolar in a 6 yr old
a severe an anxiety disorder
and last but not least severe seperation anxiety disorder
So many lables for such a small child...
Just make it simple please, please help him and give me back my baby.
So bad on Tuesday I thought about calling child phyc. Hospital, I feared for his safety, and ours, and yeah my car was taking a beating, he raged for so long, he either fell asleep for ten minutes or passed out, either way we are all on hyper alert all the time.
Its my job to save my son.
But I need help in saving my Zack.
I hope this start of the evaluation process goes well and is productive, I worry he is so smart he will be able to fool her, but over 2 months he wont be able to pull it off, he hasnt been able to with Dr.B so I should just give it to god, pray and hope this is the beginning of Saving Zack.
Love, Zacks mom
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
another night of chaos.
school starts in 2 days, last night I tried to do a trial run of "school bed time routine" ...EPIC FAIL!!!
by 7:30 everyone had had thier baths so we sat down to read...Zack didnt want to sit, okay I said you may go upstairs, he left to play a video game, because I dont want them playing them without me knowing I dissconnect them, he must have not been able to figure out how to reconnect the wires, he flew down the stairs and ran over before I could just up and socked his little brother in the gut, Isaiah is not only just 3 but small, no meat, a boney tiny child, I grabbed Isaiah and swooped him up, checking him to make sure he was okay, comforting some then handing him off to alyssa so I could try to stop Zack from throwing everything around the room,I really cant understand how he goes from 0-10 in all about 4 seconds ...but he does...its now 8:30...he seemed to have calmed down, Isaiah was okay, so we trie dto finish th elast leg of the bed time routine, read a little from the Bible,I picked the Psalms, one about giving our fears to God, I read some...about 20 min or so, then I said it was time for bed ( it was already later then I wanted ) again he became angry ( not enraged this time just angry) screaming that I hated him...he ran upstairs, I brought the other 2 upstairs to find Zack furiously brushing his teeth, over and over and over again...10 minutes we waited, finally I told him that it was enough, and he needed to go to bed...he flung himself onto the floor, screaming he would never be able to sleep, he would be awake all night...etc. I brought Alyssa into her room, prayed with her, she said the screaming was scaring her..."Its just getting his anger out, he wont come in here, you know that..." around 10 she fell asleep...Isaiah around 10:30, and zack well from 10:30 to 1 am he dragged me from room to room, I need water...I m hungry, I cant sleep, please I need something to help me sleep...Im scared...you hate me, if you loved me you would just sit here with me, come downstrairs...from 12-1 I let him lay in my bed...finally he drifted off, he woke a few times but for the most part he slept, hes still sleeping now, and I know I need to wake him because school starts in 2 days, Im not sure how he is going to manage, if he cant sleep, how will he get up, how will he make it through school??
Tomorrow we see his Therapist...I hope she has some news on the evaluation and any ideas on how to help him sleep and some...I dont intervention ideas durning raging moments...
This is just really wearing me down, I have my own mental health issuses, Im trying super hard to do everything the "experts" tell me but ..it just seems to get worse...
and really we are all just exhausted...ALL of us.
Love,
Zacks mom
by 7:30 everyone had had thier baths so we sat down to read...Zack didnt want to sit, okay I said you may go upstairs, he left to play a video game, because I dont want them playing them without me knowing I dissconnect them, he must have not been able to figure out how to reconnect the wires, he flew down the stairs and ran over before I could just up and socked his little brother in the gut, Isaiah is not only just 3 but small, no meat, a boney tiny child, I grabbed Isaiah and swooped him up, checking him to make sure he was okay, comforting some then handing him off to alyssa so I could try to stop Zack from throwing everything around the room,I really cant understand how he goes from 0-10 in all about 4 seconds ...but he does...its now 8:30...he seemed to have calmed down, Isaiah was okay, so we trie dto finish th elast leg of the bed time routine, read a little from the Bible,I picked the Psalms, one about giving our fears to God, I read some...about 20 min or so, then I said it was time for bed ( it was already later then I wanted ) again he became angry ( not enraged this time just angry) screaming that I hated him...he ran upstairs, I brought the other 2 upstairs to find Zack furiously brushing his teeth, over and over and over again...10 minutes we waited, finally I told him that it was enough, and he needed to go to bed...he flung himself onto the floor, screaming he would never be able to sleep, he would be awake all night...etc. I brought Alyssa into her room, prayed with her, she said the screaming was scaring her..."Its just getting his anger out, he wont come in here, you know that..." around 10 she fell asleep...Isaiah around 10:30, and zack well from 10:30 to 1 am he dragged me from room to room, I need water...I m hungry, I cant sleep, please I need something to help me sleep...Im scared...you hate me, if you loved me you would just sit here with me, come downstrairs...from 12-1 I let him lay in my bed...finally he drifted off, he woke a few times but for the most part he slept, hes still sleeping now, and I know I need to wake him because school starts in 2 days, Im not sure how he is going to manage, if he cant sleep, how will he get up, how will he make it through school??
Tomorrow we see his Therapist...I hope she has some news on the evaluation and any ideas on how to help him sleep and some...I dont intervention ideas durning raging moments...
This is just really wearing me down, I have my own mental health issuses, Im trying super hard to do everything the "experts" tell me but ..it just seems to get worse...
and really we are all just exhausted...ALL of us.
Love,
Zacks mom
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
First post...
Zachary is a wonderful, handsome, loving 6 year old little boy, he loves sports, and God and his family, that IS my son.
Zachary has 3 siblings...
Sean who is 19 and his half brother, he is not very involved in Zacks life, but zack loves him and wants to be like him.
In our home, there is Alyssa, she is 7.5 yrs old...she is going into 2nd grade, she is sweet and loving at times, and also a huge instigator and trigger for Zachary. Isaiah is 3, and he is small and darling and is now following the lead of Zack...he watches and follows...but its just copying...he is "okay"
Zack..my precious son, is not okay...he has always been a little off, clingy, anxious, high strung and easily angered.
nearly six months ago my husband died, Zack believes alcohol killed him, and in a way it did, my husband was a chronic alcoholic, physically and verbally abusive to me, and although he was very loving to Alyssa and Isaiah, he just never seemed to treat Zack the same.
My Husband 6 months ago killed himself...clearly he was very ill...depressed, anxious, angry, and drunk.
Zacks behaviors have reached monumental proportions, he is very unhappy, hes scared all the time, the word no sends him into rages and by rages I mean where he seems to have the strength of ten men, he throws things, kicks, hits, bites anything and anyone in his way mainly me and alyssa, alyssa because she will say or do something to provoke him, full well knowing he will lose it, and me because I have to intervene and pry him off of her, or because ...well just because Im here, and I suppose according to his Therapist, Im his safe person...
His behavior is becomeing more and more out of control, I am afraid to take him to public places, Im afraid to tell him no, Im just really afraid...but mostly I feel so aweful for my son, he knows something is wrong with him and "just wants to be good", this is not a case of my son just being a spoiled child, this a sickness that he is unable to control, he wants to, but he cant.
I have started this blog, to try and document and recieve advice from others going through similar thing...
oh yeah...after 5 months in therapy is doctor has come to the conclusion this is not a behavioral issues, he in fact has a mood disorder. In the comeing weeks he is to be evaluated over the course of 8 weeks by another doctor to determine the best course of action...what they want to do is put him on medication, at first I was very oppossed to that, but seeing how much pain my son is in, I am willing to try...
when I spoke to Zack about the evaluation...and possiable medication, I didnt get the reaction I thought I would,instead of anger...he was relieved, his words..."will this help me be good??"
I need to do EVERYTHING in my power to save my son, I need Zachary back, he needs himself back ...I need to save Zack, and that is what i will do!!
Love,
Zacks mom
Zachary has 3 siblings...
Sean who is 19 and his half brother, he is not very involved in Zacks life, but zack loves him and wants to be like him.
In our home, there is Alyssa, she is 7.5 yrs old...she is going into 2nd grade, she is sweet and loving at times, and also a huge instigator and trigger for Zachary. Isaiah is 3, and he is small and darling and is now following the lead of Zack...he watches and follows...but its just copying...he is "okay"
Zack..my precious son, is not okay...he has always been a little off, clingy, anxious, high strung and easily angered.
nearly six months ago my husband died, Zack believes alcohol killed him, and in a way it did, my husband was a chronic alcoholic, physically and verbally abusive to me, and although he was very loving to Alyssa and Isaiah, he just never seemed to treat Zack the same.
My Husband 6 months ago killed himself...clearly he was very ill...depressed, anxious, angry, and drunk.
Zacks behaviors have reached monumental proportions, he is very unhappy, hes scared all the time, the word no sends him into rages and by rages I mean where he seems to have the strength of ten men, he throws things, kicks, hits, bites anything and anyone in his way mainly me and alyssa, alyssa because she will say or do something to provoke him, full well knowing he will lose it, and me because I have to intervene and pry him off of her, or because ...well just because Im here, and I suppose according to his Therapist, Im his safe person...
His behavior is becomeing more and more out of control, I am afraid to take him to public places, Im afraid to tell him no, Im just really afraid...but mostly I feel so aweful for my son, he knows something is wrong with him and "just wants to be good", this is not a case of my son just being a spoiled child, this a sickness that he is unable to control, he wants to, but he cant.
I have started this blog, to try and document and recieve advice from others going through similar thing...
oh yeah...after 5 months in therapy is doctor has come to the conclusion this is not a behavioral issues, he in fact has a mood disorder. In the comeing weeks he is to be evaluated over the course of 8 weeks by another doctor to determine the best course of action...what they want to do is put him on medication, at first I was very oppossed to that, but seeing how much pain my son is in, I am willing to try...
when I spoke to Zack about the evaluation...and possiable medication, I didnt get the reaction I thought I would,instead of anger...he was relieved, his words..."will this help me be good??"
I need to do EVERYTHING in my power to save my son, I need Zachary back, he needs himself back ...I need to save Zack, and that is what i will do!!
Love,
Zacks mom
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